Yes Prime Minister
“This is a fine mess you got me into, I can’t even go on holiday without the sh*t hitting the fan”
“Well Prime Minister” “We did try to reach you about the China problem, but apparently you were by the pool having cocktails”
“So what are we gonna do about it now “
“Well there is not much we can do Prime Minister”
“What do you mean this is Great Britain I want to be the next Winston Churchill , standing alone and defeating the enemy”
“Well Prime Minister Churchill did not stand alone he had the Commonwealth and later the USA”
“Well people don’t understand that Britain won the war, Churchill won the war”
“Not true Prime Minister, but anyway, there is very little we can do but hope”
“HOPE!!! What do you mean hope we have the NHS”
“Yes Prime Minister but we only have 4,000 ICU beds, for 60m population, we have lost 20,000 nurses, we have hardly any ventilators and hardly any protective gowns for the health workers”
“Why not ???? I saw that Labour bloke Alan Johnson in the Commons in 2009 giving a speech that we were well prepared”
“Yes Prime Minister, but your mate Cameron & Osborne and Theresa May have slashed all that because of austerity”
“Well what about these nurses where are the pretty ones gone?”
“Errr no pay rise for 10 years Prime Minister, they left and you voted against their pay rise.”
“Well what the hell we gonna do then???”
“Well we could shut all our borders, we are an island, stop all travel into Britain. We still have time”
“No no no no, all the airlines would sue us, the economy would collapse, Conservatism is about freedom of choice, laissez faire and all that crap”
“Well we could lose a few pensioners, and hope to build up herd immunity or we could do like the World Health Organisation state and test test test.”
“ No too expensive all that testing, and apparently we have not got the test kits anyway”
“Correct Prime Minister but it would save lives”
“No no no, this herd immunity that sounds good, we build up our bodies to become immune world leaders that will work”
“The scientists will be against you Prime Minister.”
“Who cares” “The people love me, I have the biggest majority for years”
“Yes Prime Minister but we better have a plan B just in case the herd immunity does not work”
“And what would that be?”
“Lock Down Prime Minister like in Italy and Spain”
“What!!!! Preposterous, the economy will collapse and what about my jogging, what about all the sport what about Cheltenham Gold Cup, Wimbledon, no that would never work. We will tell the people you cannot catch the disease in a crowd”
“But that would be a lie Prime Minister”
“Never mind lies, I did not get where I am today by telling the truth”
“Indeed Prime Minister”
“Well if that is your policy Prime Minister I strongly advise you have a plan C, D and E”
“Why is that?”
“Because Prime Minister that will not work”
“Well what would work”
“Err stay at home lock down measures Prime Minister, this disease has no cure and is highly contagious, 0ne person infects 3, 3 infect 9 and so on soon there will be too many corpses”
“Ok it may come to that but only if the pubs can stay open for Nigel Farage and I can go jogging, keep the weight down” “We can close Parliament though lock that down that’s a good idea, we don’t need those trouble makers”
“Well Dominic has a last resort plan Prime Minister if the situation gets out of hand and your Tory press start getting irritated writing nasty things about you”
“So what’s that Dom??”
“ We steal the headlines and the news Prime Minister”
“Steal the headlines, how we gonna do that??”
“WE make you front page news. You catch the virus and get the sympathy vote”
“Me catch the virus no way, that’s for the plebs”
“Prime Minister we say it’s only mild with a persistent cough, you give video interviews but you have to remember to cough through it.”
“Make a note of that, Wancock, I have to cough”.
“You stay at home in self isolation as an example to the whole of Britain”
“Yes yes I like the idea, better than your crack pot scheme electioneering when you told me to hide in a fridge away from the press.”
”Yes Prime Minister, no one wants to hear about nurses dying, doctors dying, bus drivers dying, they will all be worried about you, the TV and newspapers will be full of it just concerned about your health and recovery”
“ But I will recover , won’t I ??”
“Of course Prime Minister”
“I am a millionaire I can go private”
“Err no Prime Minister if the stay at No 10 does not work, you will have to go to St Georges”
“But that’s the NHS, I ain’t slumming it, and people will say I am getting preferential treatment”
“Yes Prime Minister , but you are the Prime Minister after all, and you will be the focus of the nation, we can even phone up Donald Chump to give a press conference about his dear mate and wish him speedy recovery”
“ Sounds good, and I won’t have to answer any stupid questions either from those smart arses and know it alls, lie low a bit”
“Yes Prime Minister and the Foreign Secretary can take the flack in your absence and because the public will be allowed to jog all the time, when the figures get really bad you can blame them for not listening to you”
“ Good good good, what is the bit they did not listen to me about?”
“All of it Prime Minister, and people’s memories are short, they will soon forget about their loved ones dying, in a year it will all be over, you will have your no deal Brexit, the virus would have gone, and you will emerge triumphant.”
“Triumphant, yes I like that, Triumphant, have to do the V for Victory sign again,
Pity Vera Lynn is dead, we’ll have to have street parties and we will meet again”
“Err maybe a bit over zealous Prime Minister “
”No no no, triumphant in the face of aversity” “Brilliant” “lets go out for a jog now”
“Yes Prime Minister”
Allan Sharpe
Yes Prime Minister Episode 87
The Virtual Hospital Visitor.
“Ah Hugo, welcome to my world, I mean ward”
“Yes, Prime Minister, how are you today, I sent you a picture of some virtual grapes for you, seedless, " the one’s you like?”
“Wizzo Hugo, I’ve found some brilliant games to play and I watched 2 films last night. The first was the Great Pretender, spiffing, and the 2nd was King of the World all about a man that rises to power after a global plague, of course you will remember Hugo , my childhood ambition was to be King of the World, and why we had to leave Europe, cannot be King of the World if you have to shake hands with the French and Germans all the time, what.”
“Yes Prime Minister, I video called you to tell you what the latest was in case you were wondering”.
“Oh I trust the cabinet to get on with it, are they in good spirits?”
“Yes Prime Minister “
“I hope the cabinet is still fully stocked”
“Stocked prime Minister?”
“Yes Hugo with Gin, my drink’s cabinet, my little joke for the day”
“Oh very drole Prime Minister hahahaha”.
"I told my father I have to rest for a month, did he tell everyone?”
“Yes Prime Minister and the Press and TV have been concentrating their news on your health”
“Good show” I knew Murdoch would, and the Daily Fail, Torygraph, the BBC are worried about their licence so they will tow the line”
“Yes Prime Minister but people on social media are exposing your policies”
“Policy Hugo there has only been one policy”
“Sorry Prime Minister , policy, well they are saying you change your mind”
” What are the Spads doing?”
“The Special Advisors are also coming under criticism Prime Minister, the other civil servants are complaining Special Advisers in Number 10, particularly, or the Treasury, have no understanding whatsoever of the policy, or the detail, and are trying to impose particular political solutions to problems that would create other difficulties down the line. They are usually within the orders of their political masters, but operating in a completely evidence free zone and saying, “We’ve got to do this policy, we’ve got to do that thing”, and "never mind how much it costs, or whether it's effective.”
“That’s the spirit Hugo, send my congrats to Spad Dom.Now last night I found this amazing game on the internet you should try it, its very addictive or should I say contagious smile” I am playing it now, look, it’s called Catch It and you have to collect as many of these ball things with spikes, I got a score of almost a thousand last night.”
“Very good Prime Minister”
“And Hugo, there is another wonderful game you can download, it’s called Herd Immunity. You are a sicko going round coughing and sneezing down the street, you can go into pubs, clubs, shops, even football stadia, and the aim of the game is to give your sicko to as many people as possible. You get extra points in they are a nurse or doctor especially if they are in protective gear, cos that is like a shield. And slightly more points for ordinary folk wearing a mask. Then you get bonus for tank topped bum boys. The lowest scores are for frail pensioners especially if they voted conservative, get more if they voted Labour. It’s a great game, you should get the team to practice Hugo”
“Yes Prime Minister, I will indeed Prime Minister, you don’t think it’s too uncaring Prime Minister?”
“No nonsense a bit of light instead of shade, it’s only a game damn it”
“ errr Matt Wancock has told people not to wear a mask because it causes shortages”
“Good stuff, we don’t want everyone looking like letterboxes, bad enough with those Muslim women”
“Yes Prime Minister Matt Wancock also said wear the protective gowns all day to save on the short supplies”
“Again, sound advice Hugo, when I put a pizza in the oven at No 10, I always wear the same apron, saves on the washing machine.”
“Yes Prime Minister, the social media have picked up on what Matt Wancock told the House though Prime Minister”
“What did he say, was I there?”
“No Prime Minister but on the 23rd January he told the House the Coronavius risk to the UK was low, that we were world leaders in testing, that we were well prepared and well, equipped”.
”Well, Hugo, what is wrong with that”
“Prime Minister people are signing a petition on line calling for you and your cabinet colleagues to be tried for manslaughter”
“Nonsense, poppycock, Hugo. People do not want to be told bad news, no one likes it, and they get depressed, cause trouble. All Wancock was doing was not frightening anybody unnecessarily, keeping the country calm.”
“Yes Prime Minister , but there are those that are saying it was deception,”
“No, no no, not to worry Hugo, oh damn I just missed a sitting duck with a sneeze, I cannot concentrate on this game if you are going to ask me to think Hugo”.
“No Prime Minister, I mean Yes Prime Minister, sorry Prime Minister”.
“ Hugo people do not want doom and gloom, they switch on the TV to escape, they do not want reality checks, they want to clap on their doorsteps, btw how many clapped for me?”
“2 Prime Minister , Spad Dom and me.”
“Two !!!!!!!!!!! not even that bastard Raab?”
“No Prime Minster”
“I let him hold the fort and this is how he repays me, you wait till I get out of here, make a note Hugo, reshuffle”.
“Yes Prime Minister”
“Oh and make a note too, next time I go into Hospital I want more pomp and circumstance, I want an Ambulance not a Jag, I want flashing blue lights a siren and a nurse holding a drip as they stretcher me in”.
“But there wasn’t much wrong with you Prime Minister”
“Never the less Hugo, we want to beat the drum more, crank up the sympathy vote, steal those headlines.”
“Yes Prime Minister, I am afraid we are losing almost a thousand a day”
“Are they labour or conservative?”
“Both Prime Minister. “
“Damn shame to lose Tory majorities, but saves on the limited pension funds. Hugo in war there will be casualties I levelled with them I told them about their loved ones. After all Churchill lost 12,000 Londoners in the Blitz.”
“Yes Prime Minister but that was in 9 months not 9 days”
”Well tell Raab and Wancock to get a grip, I have washed my hands of it, till the heat dies down, and Donald Chump takes the headlines away from us. So thanks for the call Hugo, make sure the isolationists are still hard at it, apart from that Brexit Nonsense. Perfect excuse there ready made for a no deal, brilliant opportunism if I say so myself. Oh and Hugo, before you sign off, I need a few stories for another book I am going to write. It is a sort of auto biography based on Classic Empirical Rome called the Fall and Rise of Boris Johnson.”
“Yes Prime Minister, without delay Prime Minister, what sort of stories would you want?”
“Good question Hugo” well they don’t have to be true or verifiable, I have plenty about the Fall, getting the sack all the time, people wanting the truth, cannot even have the odd misquote cannot even have the odd shag on the side. No short on the Rise Hugo apart from getting votes because I make people laugh, even in the ward I go round shaking their hands and saying Gasp, until that Italian Doctor tells me to jump back into bed. Bit like being at Eton again, can’t very well burn this place down though. BTW Hugo why did I not have an Anglo Saxon doctor. Damn I missed a bus driver, never mind I got 9 in the last game, they must be labour voters. Yes Hugo a few Rise stories, and not just because Corbyn was even worse than me.”
“Yes Prime Minister, her majesty’s opposition have Sir Keir Starmer now, he will be more of a contest he was a judge.”
“Never mind, him, Hugo the public love me, I make them laugh. They don’t want policies and laws, no in History it will be Disraeli, Winston and then Boris as to who made Britain Great”
“Yes Prime Minister, of course Prime Minister”
Allan Sharpe
Admin
· 10 m ·
Yes Boris, Yes Prime Minister
Boris is holding a morning conference with his advisors @ Number 10, February 2nd. The cast: Carrie Symonds, Allegra Stratton, Dan Rosenfield, The Right Horrible Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson
BJ: “Right Guys what’s the news today?”
CS: “Bit light on news yesterday Boris dearest, the papers picked up on your visit to Bradford to see your voters dressed up as letter boxes getting the needle”
BJ: “Oh jolly good, let’s see, great , tell me to breathe in next time the cameraman is to my side Allegra”
AS: “You look most Churchillian, Prime Minister”
DR: “Minus top hat and cigar and 2 fingers”
AS: “ Yes, but we have to emulate Churchill walking through the rubble in those black and whites during the blitz, it inspires the nation to soldier on.”
BJ: “ Absolutely, and anyway I like dressing up, it’s better than fancy dress, and makes people think I am working hard, like Glasgow last week, your beloved Prime Minister travelling the length and breadth of the country supporting his people.”
DR: “But we are in lockdown Prime Minister, you have told everyone to stay at home.”
BJ: “Bah Poppycock, Dan, I make the rules, I can break them, that is a family and parliamentary tradition. I have to be seen with the plebs, overseeing their humble loyalty to their Lord and Master. I have even got that Starmer fellow, telling the press what a good job I am doing. BTW did he ask for any favours, after my Glasgow trip.”
DR: “No Prime Minister.”
BJ: “ Hum well, strange fellow, I can’t say I appreciate his Wednesday questions, but I can always count on his approval what, hahahahahahha” (Loud laughter from all)
CS: The daily death toll figures are looking better Boris Dearest, down to 3 figures now, only 500 odd yesterday and the same number Sunday.”
BJ: That’s jolly good news, was anyone reporting it?”
AS: Not really, a mention on Rupert’s Sky, Your new Chairman BBC Richard Sharp, nothing, and now you have Paul Dacre ex Daily Fail I/C Ofcom, I think we have almost regained control.”
BJ: “Excellent, getting back control and the Brexit plebs thought it was them not us, hahhahahahaha “ (Loud laughter erupts from all).
BJ:” Write a memo to Rishi, err still dying , not so many, still need some pension funds.”
DR: “Trouble is Prime Minister, they are dying younger now, a 48 year old mother died last week in County Antrim”
BJ: “Well there will be more deaths, the plebs have to take it on the chin till we can vaccinate the herd, at least we saved £600m in pension payouts from the 1st wave, must have saved much more recently.”
DR: “That is another matter Prime Minister, some scientists are saying if we do not double jab people in accordance with the manufacturer’s instruction, we could create a vaccine virulent strain, and some people have already died , even though they been vaccinated, a 41 year old female health care worker in Porto, Portugal, 2 days after the pfzier jab.”
BJ: “Where did you see that, Allegra make sure the press don’t dwell on the negatives”
DR: “Maybe you should have a photo opportunity with the bereaved Prime Minister and announce a day of mourning”
BJ: “No no no, I suppose you want me to visit a morgue, dressed up as an undertaker”
CS: “No Boris Dearest we should dress you as the caped crusader, you are my superman afterall.”
BJ: “Yes I like it, has BT got any telephone boxes left, and then the high wires, like I did in 2012 for the Olympics, jolly good idea, my little petal”
AS: “ I think we should concentrate on the vaccination roll out, it is the only thing we got going for us”
DR: “Yes now that British business is fucked over Brexit, exports 50% down, and revenue not being collected by HM Customs, so the lorries are not delayed refilling the supermarket shelves.”
BJ: “Well we paid the fisherman to piss off with their fucking lorries, £23m that’s a lot of dosh to keep quiet”.
DR: “Yes Prime Minister but we are not collecting £800m in revenue at Customs, because of your Brexit and you telling Customs not to stop incoming lorries, we will be having smuggling issues too soon”
CS: “Never mind Lizzie is sorting out a Pacific trade deal, so the boats will take longer to get to us.”
BJ: “ Fantastic, you can always trust Lizzie Truss to come up with global warming ideas, then we can sell more wind turbines”
(Loud Laughter once again).
DR: “ Also Prime Minister companies are moving abroad, not only the financial sector, because of the red tape created by Brexit.”
BJ: “Well be that as it may, it’s survival of the fittest, just keep a lid on all the negatives Allegra, keep the journos in check as Dom always did.”
AS: “ Yes Prime Minister, but it is difficult, because of social media, and not everybody believes the press. “
BJ: “ I know deep down, the public still loves me, but we may need some more bots on facebook. What happened to that asian surgeon dressed up in his gown, he was always praising my work on my sites?”
DR: “We have hundreds of bots Prime Minister singing your praises, trouble is the German press are calling your country Plague Island, and people want the airports and ports closed.”
CS: “ No point in closing them now after a year, that is locking the door after the horse has bolted, we will tell Priti to pretend to quarantine people, after all we need someone to blame in all this.”
BJ: ”Yes, absolutely, the less strict we are with the rules, the more we can blame the plebs, for killing themselves. Now anything else on the agenda”
DR: “Well the Scottish trip did not go down well Prime Minister”.
BJ: “ Fantastic, I never liked the vermin anyway. “
DR: “Well we could organise more vaccination photo calls Prime Minister for this week, particularly helpful in diverting the headlines from the real news”
BJ: Fantastic, I am quite liking this dressing up in a gown and a mask and gloves, aren’t we Carrie, Doctors and Nurses snigger snigger”
Chorus “Yes Prime Minister.”
by Allan Sharpe Stop Boris Stop the Destruction of Britain
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